keep me from falling
by Lissie Gray
Summary: (TW: Depression, suicide and self-harm mentioned) "w...what do you mean?" i whimpered. "i don't love you anymore phil" or where dan is depressed and phil can't help but regret leaving dan and the rest of his life behind.


p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px; color: #555555;" data-p-id="50640639f1637f237671110edda09f0f"humming, i set the table, thomas is supposed to be home any minute now and of course his dinner's ready and waiting for him as it had been for the past few days when he'd come home at midnight, already having eaten. but today i'd hoped he would keep his word, he'd told me he needed to tell me something. perhaps it was that promotion he was hoping to receive. other thoughts had passed through my head, it was nearing our 4 year anniversary but i refused to raise my hopes on that matter in case i was wrong./p  
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px; color: #555555;" data-p-id="90f3819bd6bab0a9a37858eb0147e8d6"i smiled softly as i smelt the delicious aroma of the roast beef i'd cooked, thomas' favourite. before i'd dated thomas, i'd had no idea how to cook but after realising, well, him telling me, that he could sustain us both without me needing a job, i took cooking classes to complete all the domestic chores so that i was at least of some use around the house. i used to be a youtuber, but after thomas had helped me come to the realisation i'd never become anything through it and my career would never go anywhere, i quit. i sometimes regret that, with the amount of spare time i have on my hands nowadays, i need to pick up a hobby./p  
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px; color: #555555;" data-p-id="c9f59edc1512d04010ead5fe3217e63c"the jangle of keys at the lock alerted me to thomas' presence and i hurried to take his thick black winter coat and leather briefcase from him, not wishing to burden him with the weight any longer. greeting him with a brief kiss, he ruffled my hair patronisingly but i gritted my teeth, knowing he only meant well. balancing both briefcase and coat on one arm, i carefully opened the coat cupboard which was filled with our large variety of coats, mine the more colourful, thomas' in the darker range, and pulling out a spare wooden hanger, proceeded to cautiously hang up his coat, avoiding creasing it./p  
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px; color: #555555;" data-p-id="b967fe54932a4bafeb2c6d6ade719a3d""mmm... smells good, honey," thomas praised, a soft smile gracing his lips. "roast beef? my favourite, you know me so well, love."/p  
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px; color: #555555;" data-p-id="2c7017cb7cf4819f726151ec55b52bf4"i nodded mutely, thomas taking my hand and leading me to the dining table. as i'd left it before, the table was carefully laid for two, using the silver cutlery, crystal cut glasses and willow patterned plates i'd bought for our two year anniversary. the unopened bottle of white wine stood beside it, again thomas' favourite. anxiously, i crossed my fingers behind my back, hoping he'd like it, with the amount of effort i'd spent arranging it, it was almost impossible (i hoped) to dislike it./p  
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px; color: #555555;" data-p-id="773e845f8cfae141aa2fc5462a41506d""you...had something to tell me?" i squeaked, not wanting to fuel any anger that might be simmering under the surface. you could never tell when thomas was angry, he hid his emotions until they boiled over./p  
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px; color: #555555;" data-p-id="1fc80845e495103ead54542bffcab8d1""after dinner, babe," he pecked my cheek, pulling out my chair for me before i sat down./p  
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px; color: #555555;" data-p-id="4914dca5d61b14e0536f2b08d5309426"we dug into the meal, conversation little, our only objectives to eat. a smile graced my lips as i watched thomas tucking in with love, i was glad he liked the meal for sometimes he was full of complaints; 'the meat is too under cooked,' 'the potatoes aren't crunchy enough,' 'why did you cook parsnips, you know they're not my favourites,' 'why didn't you cook parsnips, they're my favourite.' but no matter how unreasonable he sometimes was, my heart still swelled with love every time i saw him and i questioned how i was so lucky as to date him. his white blonde hair carefully styled into a quiff, eyes as blue as the sky, a strong build, chiselled jawline and sharp cheekbones that made me almost drool at his beauty. thomas was someone i could see being in my life for a long, long time./p  
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px; color: #555555;" data-p-id="11aa9952d7baface27733f31289ae5c4"the sound of beeping interrupted my reverie, dessert ready at last, a 'tarte aux pommes,' a delicacy thomas had fallen in love with in france. as i opened the oven with the heat proof gloves, the scent of warm pastry and mouth-wateringly good cooked apple wafted out. i inhaled softly, smiling at one of my favourite scents, my favourite, however, was thomas' aftershave. carefully balancing the pan in one hand, i closed the oven door. i placed the dish down, picking up the knife i'd gotten out previously. sticking my tongue out in concentration, i divided the tart perfectly into 6 slices, which would serve as dessert for the next few days./p  
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px; color: #555555;" data-p-id="0f6ed0b396489c285376a6045af31850"i scooped out a ball of vanilla ice cream onto thomas' plate, missing out mine because, as thomas had reminded me many times, i was putting on some weight. concentrated on placing one foot in front of the other without tripping over, i hardly noticed thomas calling my name until i'd arrived at the table./p  
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px; color: #555555;" data-p-id="896b840ed4aa3c869a8861dfe014b0e6""didn't you notice me calling your name?" he hissed, eyes narrowed in a harsh glare. i shrunk inwards, mentally berating myself for my mistake. how could i have been so deaf?/p  
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px; color: #555555;" data-p-id="a6f82adc8927ab97d23daa89d04ab143""i'm sorry," i stuttered, anger at myself filling my brain with a cold fury, my idiotic blunder had cost me his good mood and now i had to deal with the consequences./p  
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px; color: #555555;" data-p-id="2d1fe45f9048512bccb9cbf840491870"surprisingly, he let it go, shaking his head with a sigh and a muttered 'never mind.' relief warmed my body, a small but real smile finally gracing my lips. thomas guzzled down the slice of tart i'd placed in front of him, finishing with a loud burp, my face wrinkling in disgust. i quickly smoothed out my expression, no need to worsen his mood for it would just end badly for me./p  
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px; color: #555555;" data-p-id="6b3e733062e704b8c511c1a00ae7c5e0""phil..." he drew out my name, his face serious before he broke into chuckles. "phil, phil, phil. you're so blind. so blind to the goings on around you. or maybe it was just naivety. where do you think i was for the past few months when i came back late?"/p  
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px; color: #555555;" data-p-id="a1d220679c6c459dd967e85a10360010""umm... at work, for the promotion?" i whispered, fingers crossed under the table./p  
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px; color: #555555;" data-p-id="3e6c056bb730ec073bb79bae7568f448""you are so dumb," thomas laughed at me in disbelief. "at work? you honestly believed the lies i fed you? guess what phil, i was out with my secretary. at her place. remember how i'm bisexual? i've decided i have a preference for women."/p  
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px; color: #555555;" data-p-id="9db3be92b61035c5e8b50afa3c99776a""w...what do you mean?" i whimpered./p  
p style="box-sizing: border-box; margin: 0px 0px 24px; font-size: 18px; font-family: 'Source Sans Pro', 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; line-height: 24px; padding: 0px; color: #555555;" data-p-id="7152212787d97a38f5a36f7aff727185""i don't love you anymore phil."/p


End file.
